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January 14, 2007

The Adventure Begins

Mykul and I are traveling salesmen in the spirit of Willy Loman.  We travel to a different city each week in search of a living.  We give ebay seminars and sell Internet Storefronts ( ecommerce opportunities.)  But what we sell doesn't matter, it might as well be dancing lessons or snake oil cures. 

We are salesmen, poets, philosophers, social observers and drunks.  Follow our adventures as we visit cities around the United States.  Here are our other websites.

Mykuls Webpage

Lead Love Birds: Poems by c.a. leibow

Realtive Drunkenness and Affection

c.a. leibow, The Accordionist

c.a. leibow,s Gray's Anatomy: The Poems and Others

Our flight leaves Monday the 15th at 7 AM

Floridacocoabeachsunriseoveratlanticocea
Download i_will_return_with_salts.mp3

January 18, 2007

Melbourne, Florida

5am Monday Morning Jan 15th

This is too fucking early to wake up. It had been a long time since I had to be awake at 5am, it is more likely that I am finally going to sleep at this time. We are flying out to Orlando and the temperture is 5 degrees in Salt Lake City The pilot tells everyone that its 75 degrees in Orlando at 8am. This is a good gig.

FLYING

I have had a phobia about flying for years and now I have a job where I fly everyweek, and never a direct flight. An ironic job choice.


ARRIVAL

Mykul and I walk out from the baggage claim waiting for our luggage and are assaulted by the heat, 80 degrees and humid. Its wonderful and I spend a few minutes smoking a cigarette and just feeling the weight of the air and smelling the mix of flowers and jet exhaust.

We get into the rental car and drive toward our hotel. As we are driving, Mykul starts counting:

* 1 Wild Boar
* 1 Wild Turkey
* 3 Pelicans
* 1 Paper Mache Lion
* 2 Paper Mache Alligators
* 1 Paper Mache Shark pierced by a liqour store sign.
* Assorted bugs.

We are going to Melbourne for our first workshops and on the way we drive through Cocoa Beach where we will be on Wed. Cocoa Beach is dingy and slighly apocolyptic. I notice a few of the strip mall signs. One hair salon is called, "The Hair Poets". Mykul decides to get a quick trim and ask the girl behind the corner if they can give him aSonnet she tells him that the girl that gives sonnets is out but if he would like a Haiku she could help him out, There was a fishhing shop called, Just Shut Up and Fish, and a Church's sign tells us that Jesus could Pimp Out Our Lives!
We stop at the beach and collect shells and just stare out at the ocean.


We arrive at the hotel in Melbourne. Melbourne is more inland and is nauseatingly suburban. James Kunsler in his book "The Geography of Nowhere" observes how with the modern version of chain stores and malls we can't really tell where we are. This is Melbourne, there is nothing distinctive about it, with its chain resteraunts, grocrey stories and malls. I could be in California, Florida or a number of of other states.

We spend the night preparing for the next day and end the night sharing a bottle of Vodka channel surfing.

Cocoa Beach Florida

Wed Jan 17th


Finally we make it back to Cocoa Beach Florida and have our workshop. This group is an interesting group. There is a retired railroad worker from New York who retired to Florida 20 something years ago. He is living well of his Railroad Pension, one of the few pension systems still giving back for years of sweat and labor. There is a retired Hells Angel, a cigar lover who is starting a cigar store and doesn't really know anyting about cigars. There is woman who wants to sell coffee tables that are sculpted dolphins and horses, and a German father son, who bring their dog, Daisy with them. Daisy wants to start a business focusing on the needs of dogs smaller than rats.

When the day ends Mykul and I decide to walk. One thing about this job, is that the rest of the team doesn't drink, and wont let us use the rental car so we walk each city while they watch cable tv. Walking is a great way to get to know the less obvious parts of a city, the smell, the feel, the way living rooms look through open windows. Again both of us are very aware of the smell. The winter in SLC pushes scent down, holds it in a headlock of snow and ice. Winter smells mechanical.

We are looking for the strip clubs we saw when we first drove through. Strip clubs are not our first choice of entertainment, but in most smaller towns , they are open the latest. We walk about two miles and are not finding them. I look down an alley and see an adult book store. Across from the bookstore is an electrical substation and we stop and are quiet for a moment and just listen to the crackle.

The bookstore seems out of place, the complex is nestled in what appears to be more appropriate for a dentist office . The bookstore is extremely lit, much brighter than any adult bookstore should be. Behind the counter is a very large black women, it looks like she hasn't stood in weeks. Talking to her is a skinny, meth-head looking man, his thin mustache looks more like any eyebrow thats fallen down to his lip. We ask them where are the gentlemen's clubs. He tells us to go to the Lido, and not to go to Cheaters, because the Lido has better looking women. So we continue walking.

We finally make it to The Lido in Cape Canavaral, about 4 miles from the hotel. A typical club. The women were ordinary and there were only really three attractive women and only one was a stripper.
We watch from a distance, observers more than participants. I say to Mykul that I would be affraid of Cheaters if these were much hotter women.

Pixie, an attractive blonde with an attractive face siddles up next to me. Her name is perfect, her voice is high and anoying. She has just got off the stage and is chumming for a few extra bucks.

" So where are you from?"
" Salt Lake City, I am a traveling salesman."
" How about that, I am the welcoming committee for Salt Lake City Boys"
"Well what does that entail"
" I give you a lap dance for 15 dollars."
" What's a lap dance."
" Its where I sit on your lap and rub all over you for the lenght of a song"
" really, can I choose the song, like "Bye, bye Miss American Pie" 12 minute version?"
" I have never heard of that one,"
" I don't thinks so hun, I'm just observing, I am a writer, I observe alot."
" A writer needs a lap dance, you can write, 'her nipple was so close to his mouth.'"
" I'm OK.

Pixie left and another woman came to Mykul and I and asked if we wanted a lap dance. The owner of the club knows his sales process. There was a lot of suggestive selling going on. We finally decide to leave. The drinks were over priced at the club so we stopped at the CVS pharmacy and bought two bottles of wine. We decided to walk the four miles back to the hotel along the beach. A wind had picked up in the north and it had started raining. The beach was completely abandoned. We walked drinking wine talking about life and art and the things we wanted. The ocean was freakishly warm. Mykul stood looking out at the ocean and was text messaging a girl he has been spending time with making her jealous, as I tried not to think of the woman who left me behind.

The light on the water and the shore was incandescent. I wrote the following lines,

The sea rushes the shore sending
love letters
from all those
who died at sea
And moonlight shadows
of sandpipers, read
them with their long beaks.


We walked for miles getting drunk on the ocean and the bottles of wine. The ocean is better than any strip club.

When we finished the last bottle we put in 5 dollars, corked it and threw it into the ocean.

We owed a debt to the sea.

Download 02_now_i_can_smile.mp3

January 20, 2007

Leaving Orlando

Wednesday Night

After are last seminar we leave to Orlando. Our flight leaves at 6:10 AM, so we want to be close to the airport.

We stop and eat at the Waffle House, which is a southern institution. Six of us sit at the counter. The resteraunt is not very large, maybe 900 sq feet, It resembles more of an old school diner more than anything modern. The menus double as placemats. The tired, 50 something waitress and the short order cook, mid 20's and plain with a hankering for Mykul, are busy trying to figure something out at the register and are as frustrated as a dog with a head cone. It takes 40 minutes to get our food. While we are waiting a fiction of transvestites comes in and sits in two booths in the corner. Their conversation is more interesting than ours. Above the grill the short order cook stares at a reminder, "Hash Browns, Not Hash Tans' I guess some short order cook was a little too concerned about speed and not color.

We have to meet in the lobby at 4:50 AM to catch the shuttle. Mykul and and I and Matt decide to drink and stay awake instead of sleep. At 3:45 I am the only one awake. I drink the last of my Colt 45 and flip through a book of poetry I have brought with me.

"why do we go on
with our minds and
pockets full of dust"

Good question Bukowski.

In the morning, I am the most awake. Matt smells like a skid row boxer pretending to be more a man than he is. The flight is almost empty to Saint Louis. Who in their right mind would be on a plane at 6:AM. Matt is still drunk ( amatuer). We lie across the three seats and sleep. Matt's head is hanging out in the isle. While he sleeps off his drunk his legs keep twitching banging the seats infront of him. The poor girl sitting there finally moves tired of the indirect abuse. Finally one of the stewardesses confronts Matt.

" Are you drunk, you can't fly if your drunk."
Matt smell like an knocked over bottle of cheap vodka.
"No mam, I am just really tired.
"If your drunk, I will make sure you never fly."
Matt pleads with her,
"No I am just REALLY tired."
The stewardess relents.

We land in St Louis and somehow lose Matt. I think of poor Matt drunk and really tired and his cell phone battery out of juice lost in St Louis, but not for very long....it's his problem not mine. ( amatuer).

I board the plane and sitting in the seat behind me is Matt. How in the hell....... We take off and Matt is sleeping stretched out across the three seats of the MD 80 and starts kicking the back of my seat with his twitching legs. After the 9th time I am about to fucking punch him in the back, but staying awake all night and two Dramamine finally kick in. When I wake up we are landing in SLC. The stewardess welcomes us and tells us the good news. Its 18 fucking degrees!

January 26, 2007

Mykul's Adventure: Leaving Orlando

I stayed in Florida for the weekend to meet up with an old flame from High School.  "Jessica" and I dated when we were young but lost contact for over fifteen years.  She recently found me on myspace.com and when I told her I would be in Florida she suggested we get together.  We had a great time over the weekend but I'm not going to publish the lurid details of our liaison here.

I am, however, going to tell the harrowing tale of an alcoholic salesman in a strange city and how he survived a near kidnapping and molestation.

I said my farewells to Jessica as she departed for home and I was left standing alone, still buzzing from the several drinks I'd had over dinner, with a thirty-five pound piece of luggage and a ticket for a flight out of Orlando a mere fourteen hours hence.  I  bought a tall coffee at  Starbucks, not because I wanted the coffee so much but because I wanted to use the heavy paper cup to disguise the Chianti I was planning on pouring into it.  Jessica and I had eaten lunch at a place called Grape.  We drank wine.  She drank white. I drank red. We ate hot Brie with sun dried tomatoes on garlic pita bread and smoked salmon with cream cheese, capers and horseradish sauce on a toasted baguette.  She bought me a bottle of the wine I had imbibed at lunch to enjoy later.  It was later.  So I drank down the coffee as I rode a bus to a part of the city I hadn't explored and when I disembarked with an empty cup I promptly walked to an unlit area of a parking lot, unzipped my luggage, uncorked the bottle, poured a full cup and started to drink clandestinely.

I walked a few blocks, sipping my wine and dragging my luggage when I noticed a red neon sign advertising "Massage". I strolled liesurely along the sidewalk infront of the stores of the stripmall, past a closed Christian gift shop with statues of Jesus and Mary staring judgingly out the window, past a Dentist Office, past a bookstore.  I stopped in front of the window to the Massage Parlor, set my bag down, leaned on a post with my back to the window and lit a cigarette. With a quarter of the smoke still left an attractive asian woman in her mid thirties stuck her head out the door and said, "You want massage?" her accent as thick as her mascara. I recognized her ethnicity immediately and said in Korean, "I'm just resting. But since you asked, how much?" "Wow!" she said in her native tongue. "You speak really well." "I lived there for five years." "You wanna come in..." she said with a seductive smile. "I'm broke." Her smile cracked like a windshield hit by a rock. "Besides, if I did come in you'd end up wanting to pay me and I'd end up feeling guilty for taking money from such a sweet, innocent girl." She smiled again but then told me to "go well" and ducked back inside. I walked the streets for a couple of hours, sipping my wine. It was a beautiful night, warm and moist. I started walking towards the airport, about eight miles away. I walked until the sidewalk ended and the street lights vanished and my bottle of Chianti was empty and the Starbucks cup was tossed by the wayside. Cars sped buy, their drivers hurrying home or to stores before they closed or to get out of the house and away from the family for a few minutes or to pick up strangers walking down lonely, unlit roads. The silver Corolla slowed and stopped on the shoulder in front of me and the passenger window rolled down. "You want a ride?" the man in the driver's seat asked. "I'm heading to the airport." I replied. He reached over the seat and opened the door. I unlocked the rear door and put my suitcase on the back seat and then took my place in front. After the customary introductions and inquaries "Albert" suggested I go back to his place and take a shower before my flight and maybe even have massage. "Thank you" I said, "but I'm not interested." He seemed to accept that for a moment but then added that I wouldn't have to do anything, just relax. He liked to suck, he said. I turned and looked at him. He was about my age. Not an unattractive man. Very kind looking and "normal". I decided to be honest. "You know Albert, I've given rides to women who were walking hoping to get what you're hoping for. Sometimes I got it and sometimes I didn't. Tonight you're not going to get it." I saw his face fall and almost heard his heart drop into his stomach. "I appreciate the ride but if you're going to try to push it further or if you want to spend your time with someone more promising you can just let me off up at the next light." He looked at me and gave a slight nod. As the car stopped and I got my bag out of the back seat he looked back and said, "You have really nice legs." "That's because I walk a lot." I said and wished him good hunting. I arrived at the airport four hours before my flight was to leave. I checked my bag and pondered weather to find a semi-comfortable spot to sleep or to get an energy drink and stay up until I boarded the plane.* At 10:00am I was in seat 1F with my eyes closed and didn't wake up until the other passengers and luggage were being unloaded in Durham, North Carolina.

*Don't expect to purchase an energy dirnk such as RedBull or Rockstar at the Orlando Airport.  They don't sell any, not even at the bar.

Goldsboro North Carolina

We arrive in North Carolina at 12AM. It is much colder than Florida but warmer than Salt Lake City. Our first seminar is a bust, and we sell too little to make it worth our while. The crowd was non descript and the only thing most of the men could talk about were NC sports. The area we were in was surrounded by universities and sports rivalries. Two old men were talking about coaches and players from the 50's and 60's. like it was yesterday.

The next day we drove about an hour to Goldsboro NC. Goldsboro's main employers are the hog slaughterhouse and the turkey factory. Our conference room is shabby and lit like a soviet era hotel and has the smell of a wet dog. The crowd is larger and our hopes are high.

I am downstairs with Mykul greeting the guests. A thirty something black woman name Merelene sees me and Mykul and starts flirting with us. " The Lord spoke to me and told me to come, you boys sure are handsome" She is unemployed so she wont be buying anything, but she loves Mykul and I and we both conclude that she is here to find a man. We do what we can to avoid her.

By the end of the seminar I am working with three older ladies, a 70 year old woman and two late 50's women. One of the women says that she'll buy if I will stay in Goldsboro with her. At first I think she is just being cute, but the woman is serious and starts up with a plethora of inuendos. She's charming at first and then I start to feel more like her prey. I start looking for a door, and try to pass her off on one of the other salesmen. Finally they buy at the false promise that when we come back to the area I will look her up.

The day finished, I walked down the frontage road to buy a pack of cigarettes. The Southern Market is about a half a mile away. I must have looked out of place walking down a frontage road past an abandoned elementary school in my suit and tie.

Back behind the school were the trees. The forest buts up against everything here, and its wild with vines, underbrush and tall trees. Being a westerner, I always feel rather claustrophobic in the South, where vistas are at a premium.

There were some really great people in NC, like Nate the resteraunt owner at the hotel. He took to Mykul and I and we sat around his bar and had a few beers. He introduced to his wife and kids and they were the warmest down to earth people we had met in a long time.

Overall, NC felt heavy, like a wet blanket draped over your shoulders. There was something palpable in the air, that made us want to leave......

Maybe it was all the gutted pigs hanging on hooks just down the road.

January 29, 2007

Leaving for Vacaville

This morning I woke at 6AM after going asleep at 2AM. Sleep is something that escapes me. We are leaving for Northern California. Two seminars, one in Vacaville and the other in Redding.

When William McDaniel purchased land from Manuel Vaca, he agreed that a one square mile area would be used to create a township. The land was recorded on Dec. 13, 1851, and the township was called "Vacaville." Vacaville prides its "Creek Walk" not unlike San Antonio's "River Walk"( at least that's what they say and has one of the lowest crime rates in Northern California.) Maybe Mykul and I will steal a car and go for a joy ride to San Franscisco.

Garbage Can, Vacaville, CA.

Vacaville_city_coachvacavillewb_kendall_

February 01, 2007

Vacaville, California

Monday we arrive at the Sacramento Airport earlier than we usually arrive, and thank god that it is warm and green! We have most of the afternoon to wander the small downtown area of Vacaville. We feel that no trip to Vacaville wouldn't be complete without seeing the "creek walk" as the tourist dept calls it. We imagine the river walks of other towns where four star hotels look over it and there are street musicians, art galaries and fine dining and where even on a slow night there are attractive women strolling. We figure that since it is a creek walk it will be like this but smaller. We walk to downtown and look for it. We find it 25 feet down in what could be more described as a gully with drained coffee snaking down it. The one eating establishment that looks over the drainage is closed.

Disappointed we find the first liquor store and buy a pint each of whiskey. Mmmm Ancient Age goes down easy. The city itself is quite quaint and feels like Santa Barbara's poorer, bastard child. Its 3pm and a few stores are closed already so we decide to go back to the hotel and return in the evening to see if the bars are hopping.

9pm

We walk the few blocks from the hotel to downtown and the bars are pretty much empty and mostly sad old men who have been held down by gravity so long they seem to sink into the ground, or the barstool or the booth.

We decide to walk through the old neighborhood next to downtown proper. The houses are big and Victorian and not subdivided into 20 rat hole apartments like they have been in Salt Lake City. We walk checking out the houses, looking in windows, wondering about the lives that are lived in Vacaville.
There is an extened family walking behind us making it difficult to drink. So we cross the street and take a few plugs; that's when Mykul sees an orange tree in someones back yard. Its been years since I smelled the smell of orange blossoms.

One of my strongest memories was being little living in Mission Viejo CA in a new cookie cutter subdivision, one of the first ones in the middle of a large old orange grove. by March the house was flooded with smell of oranges. I'd like to think if there is a heaven, it smells like that. There are no more orange groves in MV, they all have been raped and cemented over.

Mykul wants an orange or two and so do I. We climb up the 10 foot wall using a chair we borrow from someone's dark porch, Mykul being look out. On the otherside of the wall and butted up next to it, is some garden furniture, it will be an easy escape if we get caught. We look around the yard and do not see a sign of anyone or, a dog, so we drop down.

The tree is well hung with oranges. We each pick one and put it to our noses. The smell is intoxicating especially since we only smell heater dust and winter back at home. We now want all of them! Mykul climbs into the tree and starts throwing oranges down to me. We are trying to be quite, but my shirt is so full I keep missing the ones he is throwing and the oranges start making large thuds on the ground. I tell Mykul that maybe we can't take all of them. It takes a little time to convince him but he finally agrees. I give him most the oranges but put three in my coat pocket. I get on top of the wall and Mykul stands on the garden table handing them to me as I quitely drop them on the grass on the otherside. We are giddy until we hear a slidding door open and hear a woman say, " OK Cindy go out and go potty." Either this woman is an abusive mother or Cindy is dog. (who names a dog Cindy?) Mykul has already processed that it is a dog and drops the oranges at his feet and is on the wall with me instantly. We look and see a Boxer staring right at us. Us and the dog look at eachother for only a split second but it feels much longer, then the chorus of barking and growling joined by a second dog. We jump down and hear the sliding glass door open and hear the voice of a man. We start running as fast as we can and ditch into an alley. I don't like alleys and try to aviod them at all costs. The alley is dark and narrow and doesn't say anything to my intrusions We wait a few minutes trying to catch our breath.

Walking back to Main Street we share one of the oranges that I have in my coat pocket. It is very good. We are looking into the bars to see if there are any women, but just more gravity fallen men. We pass one bar kinda quicky and we think we see a beautiful woman. We walk back only to find it to be a Coors cardboard cut out. Damn!

We end up at TJ's tavern. It turns out to be a decent bar with 20-30 somethings and one resident old man who tells stale and unimagintive stores to the younger kids. When we walk in we notice a skinny girl with a pierced lip, she smiles big as we walk in. We have a few drinks and go out to the back porch to smoke a cigarette. The old man is telling his stories staring at me like he sees something on the inside of me that makes him fearful. The pierced lip girl comes out and I light her cigarette. We start talking, tell her we are traveling salesmen looking for a farmer's daughter." she laughs and says we need to go to Fairfield for that. She's pretty and has a snaggle tooth that I can't stop looking at. I love snaggle teeth. We talk and laugh and......... till the sun comes up.

The seminar turns out well eventhough I didn't get any sleep.

But finding a farmer's daughter made Vacaville an alright place.

February 02, 2007

Redding, California

Tuesday Jan 31st 2007

Our next city is Redding, California about 3 hours north of Vacaville. Driving I start talking note of the small towns that we pass:

Yolo,
Zamora
Arbuckle
Willows
Artois
Coming ( a very satisfied town)
Gerber
Proberta
Narnia
Red Bluff
Girvand
Redding

We arrive pretty late, put our bags into the room and look for something open, to quench our thirst. Across the street is a 24 hour Casino. Inside on the right is a bar with about 10 people, mostly hip kids in their Dickey uniformity, but somehow not quite right, like the kid with tattoos a Dickey hat and jacket, regulation facial side burns, but light blue jeans and puffy white skater shoes. Leaning against the bar is a larger woman with an orange dress and red scarf around her neck. She is droaning a slowed down power balad Karaoke version of Whitesnake. We walk further back into the "Casino" looking for the casino. In the back there are about 4 poker tables and two are full. Here to things seem scripted, the two younger men in proscribed goatees smoking cheap cigars, the woman leaning back in a black ill fitting dress showing the obligatory clevage and cheap perfume. Here they are big rollers, sitting in torn fake leather chairs, thread bare tables and dreams of a different life.

We go back to the bar and get a few drinks and the same woman is singing Karaoke. We go to the patio to have a smoke. A thirty something, leather faced but once attractive woman comes out and sits at the table across from us. She comments on our suits and asks what we do. She tells us that jeans would work better in Redding than suits. I notice that her shirt says Misiltoe. I ask her if I am under the misiltoe where do I kiss." She gives us a blank look and then we have to explain her shirt to her. She still doesn't get it. She goes on talking and talking about real estate, and her voice became a frustration of flies buzzing in our ears.

We leave the bar, walking past the same woman singing yet another dirge of some popular hit and walk out into the night air.


Wednesday

During the seminar there is a lot of down time for us as the presenter goes through his sales pitch. I am reading Helene Cixous and amazing writer and feminist theorist.

" We are criminals and we do not know how to express or prove that we are criminals. The problem is, as criminals we were recognized as such, we would have to pay for the crime. Yet if we paid, the crime would disappear and our debt wiped out.

We must keep our crime safe, to avoid the terrible fate of being forgiven."

Helene Cixous

This seminar is larger than usual and it makes it harder to make connections with people. One man says he is a writer and his book is in its tenth printing. I am curious about this book. He tells me that it is a book about financial independence through window washing. Books on window washing sell more than poetry in the US. America, a country not of poets, but of Bankers and Window Washers!

I am also reading Book of Sketches by Keroauc and decide to write one of my own.


Late morning
Red lion

Hotel Parking
Redding, California

Staring at Big Ass
Gas station sign
Orange &
Blue 76.

And the stretched
Out brown line horizon.
Electrical

Tower arms
stretched out
forty feet,

Farther out
Old White
Volcano
Shasta

Stares back.


The seminar ends and Mykul wants to stop by at Chico where he used to live and go to school. Chico is college town and is known as a party school.

In Chico we park and hang out at a locals coffee shop. The town is mostly dead. Mykul finds out that we missed an open mic poetry reading by 30 min, we bow our heads. While we are sitting there, three hybrid hippie/skaters come up to us and start talking. One is dancing on some kind of stilts. They ask Mykul for rolling papers and start rolling a few joints. One of the kid is a magician and starts doing tricks for us.

Mykul has some friends that live near by so go see if we can hook up with them. They have a good time talking about old times and catching up. The guys are smart and we talk and laugh about topics from Korean culture, Poe, Andrew's horrible Texas accent when he tries to speak Japanese. Andrew tells us of a short cut back to Sacramento and we leave about 2 am. Our flight leaves at 6:30am so its another departure day without sleep.

The drive is down a state road past working orchards. The moon is half full and lights the bare trees. There are patches of fog across the road and in the fields. These feel like the true field of dreams where the dead wander at night hidding behind trees as our headlights come to view. Here they hunt for fading memories of the living, among the roots of bare fruit trees and give off their sad light of longing.

Almost to airport, we can't stay awake so sleep at a rest stop. We wake up two hours later and meet the rest of the team curbside. We land in Salt Lake City and the only thing we can think of is sleep.

February 04, 2007

OFF THE ROAD: A POEM

This is a rough draft of a poem I jotted down at Chuckles in Salt Lake City, a very empty bar.


Not being on the road
Walking the streets
Looking for anything -

This town is like a
Hand around your
Throat or a knee

In your chest -
Here where
The Great Ones
Hide in rented
Rooms, studios,

One room flats,
Doors baracaded
Against the living
Dead,
The sonambulists,
The mediocre,
The sad
Degenerates
Affraid of
Silences.

The Great Ones,
The Burning ones,
The Mad Ones withdraw
Into movie houses
Or video stores
Or write poems
On the vaulted ceilings
Of their Sistine skulls

Venture only to empty
Bars to drink away
The mediocrity
The empty eyes
The hallow chests

The thinness of the air

Knowing they are
Better than this
They rage over maps
Looking for a sign
Needing more
They dream

Of a
New
Jerusalem -

Elsewhere.


copyright c.a. leibow 2007

Download off_the_road_poem.mp3

Check out a few new poems.
9 Poems of c.a. leibow

February 08, 2007

El Paso, Texas

Dateline Feburary 6th, 2007 EL PASO, Texas.


Mykul and I have been looking forward to our trip to El Paso, primarily to visit Juarez. A few on our team tell us not to go, because Juarez has the highest murder rate of all border towns. We scoff at their pedestrianess.

El Paso is warm and brown which is appropriate since this is part of the Great American desert. Grass is at a premium which I like, because the city planners weren't obsessed with grass like in Phoenix. It is arid and beautiful.

The seminar doesn't run too long so we were able to leave early; early being around 8pm. We initially plan to go to Juarez the following day and go to the college part of downtown. We look at a map and realize that we can't walk so we find the nearest bus stop and wait. The bus is mostly empty and the last run for Raul who is a 50 something Mexican-American.

Mykul starts talking to him and finds out the college bar area is all the way across town. Mykul, being so close to Mexico can't pass up the opportunity so we ask Raul how to get there. It is a short walk from his last stop. While Mykul is finding out about Raul's family and his connection with El Paso, I am staring out the window watching the neighborhoods pass by. In El Paso, the closer you get to the border the poorer it gets and the more Mexican. We drive by a church sign that tells us, " Jesus can make everything new, even you." I like these catchy evangelist poets and their self-publishing. We come up on a police impound lot and I can see a blood red lighted cross that seem to be floating in the sky, probably the now iconic downtown missions, with JESUS SAVES electrically emblazoned with red or white or blue neon prayers. Now driving past the police station, I notice two smashed police cruisers in the parking lot, its poorly lit, the cruisers are close to totaled. I wonder if the cops can't drive or can't be seen because of some new stealth technology. We get off at the last stop and say goodbye to Raul. So far, everyone in El Paso has been helpful and warm. The bus stops at the famous San Jacinto Plaza.

The San Jacinto Plaza was completed in 1883. J. Fisher Satterwaite, El Paso Parks and Streets Commissioner, can be credited for the transformation of the Plaza from a desolate piece of property to a public square. He had trees planted, fountains built and alligators placed in the pond.

One story claims that the alligators were sent to a local miner from a friend in Louisiana as a joke. The miner then presented the alligators to Mayor C. R. Morehead, who had them placed in the park pond

Fpc046

The alligators were an attraction until they were finally moved to the El Paso Zoo in 1965 after two were stoned to death and another had a spike driven through its left eye. The alligators were returned to the plaza in 1972 for two years only to be removed once more because of vandals. Now a statue stands commemorating them.

For More: The Alligators of El Paso

The plaza is empty and the bars are closing down and it was barely 9PM. And people call SLC a backwater, please. We have a few drinks and start the walk to the border about three blocks away.

The main artery to Juarez looks like Juarez; all the signs in Spanish, and Mexican pop culture images everywhere. The streets are mostly deserted and a little dark. Just before the border there is graffiti painted on the wall, a large white box with a blue cross in the middle, below it in Spanish is written,


Dedicado a todas las mujeres y ninos victimas de la violencia el abuso y extradicion.

We walk up to the beginning of bridge that leads into Mexico. You can tell you are close, even before you are there because of the appearance Concertina Wire, double circles of razor wire that are stretched out like a Concertina - an accordion like instrument. There is something wrong calling the razor, flesh tearing machines after a musical instrument that is famous for polka music. Listen to this file and imagine a poor Mexican illegal getting caught in it.

zip zip polka

Fellni would appreciate the irony.

We enter Mexico for 35 cents. We now can see into Mexico and on the side of the river retaining wall is graffiti of all kinds, mostly anti-American. It is the poor and disenfranchised version of the middle finger to the rich gringos in the North.

Walking into Mexico, like every Mexican border town, we are assaulted with, " Taxi? Taxi? Girl? Young Girl?" We tell them no thank you and walk. We notice the first bar in Mexico but don't stop, deciding to make it the last bar in Mexico as we leave.

We wander down the main street for a while, even here most things are closed, but at least there are people on the street. Mykul wants to get off the main street and we walk over to the next one. We walk a block or two and turn a corner and there in front of us is the bull fight ring. We both sigh. Brutal in its violence, lovely in its divine drama - the beauty in the bulls futile but courageous attempt to live! A stacked deck against it... but it fights to the end, closer to real life than any reality show.


Tonight it is empty and dark but we can still hear the cheering crowds and the smell of blood and roses.

Walking back to the main street, we pass a few local prostitutes. These are hall of famers, once beautiful woman, once a little baby in a mother's arms looking over the garden, now old and hollow, offering themselves for $25. We walk past as they throw desperate kisses our way. We see their pimps on the corner, Mykul notices that they are barely 18 years old. We pass them and they are polite with smiles of death. Here are the children of Juarez, selling grandmothers for food and a new pair of boots. The economics of desperation and being so close to abundance of America, that mocks them everyday.

We are hungry and need some tequila so we stop at a restaurant. The waiter is gracious and warm and brings us two shots, then two more. I notice on the menu, that they have baby goats head. I am not a big meat eater but I eat meat. I decide that I am going to order it to defamiliarized myself from the sterilized, mass produce meat that I eat at home, to see the death of eating an animal.

The head comes, it is a fleshy skull of a baby goat. I eat meat, so I embrace it. The taste is good, though the meat is sparse. I want to taste the tongue. I take my knife and fork, hold the tongue back at the base and cut. Part of me is creeped out, not by the thought of eating a goats tongue, it's meat, but the removing it from the goats mouth to eat it is so foreign. At this table in Juarez, there is nothing that separates me from the fact that I am eating from a goat's head. I am surprised to find the tongue is the best tasting part.

The locals love the baby goat head not so much for the meat, but the brain and the eyes. The brain is a local favorite and the skull is cracked open so that the diner can access the brains. I don't know if I can eat it, until Mykul takes the fork and puts some in his mouth. " It tastes like liver." I take a bite, "You're right." We agree that we don't appreciate liver and therefore, not goat's brain either. I cannot bring myself to eat the eyes, Mykul being more gastronomically daring having lived in Korea for years, takes a bite, and his face changes to and unpleasant expression of " What is in my mouth!" He quickly washes it down with a margarita. " Yea, the eyeball not so much."

I talk to the waiter in my broken Spanish and find out that he has three children, 14, 11 and 4. He has been working 13 hours, His face is warm and open and kind. We are the last diners and tell him we are leaving so he can go and be home with his family. He smiles a big smile and says, "Gracias," We walk out 4 shots and two giant margaritas happier.

We wander back to the border and we see across the street a bar opening that looks like a cave opening with a sheet as a door. The light from the bar is red and entices us. We step down the steps into El Grupo an artificial cavern of stalagmites, grime and smoke. Performing is Kevin, the King of 80's pop an expat who looks more like an American woodshop teacher than the King of the 80's. Kevin and the bartender are the only ones in the bar. Mykul and I want to transplant the bar with Kevin and the barkeep to SLC and make a mint. We start walking out and Kevin asks where we are going. Kevin wants to play for someone beside Juan.

We are starting to really feel the Tequila but decide to stop at the last bar in Juarez. We walk in and there is a young man sitting at the bar and a 60 something bartender cleaning up. The bar is closing down. We start talking to the young man and we tell him that we are poets. We start talking about Latin American poets and North American poets, this interests the bartender. He asks me who are my favorite Latin poets and I tell him it is Neruda, Vallejo and Hiudobro. He tells us that Neruda is to obvious at times and not as sublime as Borges, Borges is the best poet in the world. The bartender is very articulate and we continue talking. Octavio, the young man, also is articulate and together we talk for almost an hour. We learn about a Mexican poet that they loved, Alfonso Reyes,

"Mexico is at once a world of mystery and clarity: in her landscape, mystery in the souls of he people."

and

"I was another, being myself;
I was he who wanted to leave.
To return is to cry. I do not repent of this wide world.
It is not I who return,
But my shackled feet."


And we learned of a revisionist Spanish arabist, Miguel Asin Palaces who hypothesis that Dante used the writings of Ibn al-Arabi to compose The Divine Comedy

We finish our beers while the bartender finishes cleaning up. We say good night and left the last bar in Juarez, a town known for its murder rate, intellectually feed.

It is true that Mexico is a mystery and so are her people; passionate, loving, magical, desperate and violent.

In other words, alive.

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February 15, 2007

Colorado Springs, Colorado

Post Script

Colorado Springs Is a mid size city that has the personality of a dry pancake.  The seminars are good and the people we meet at the seminar are nice and interesting people, but once we leave the hotel and go downtwon, we realize what a backwater Colorado Springs actually is.  As most of you know, I do not like Salt Lake City, yet as I travel, I have a greater respect for it, especially when it comes to drinking.  The past three states we have been in, the bars all close down before 10PM or are not even open until Thursday.  At least in SLC you can find somewhere to hang your cane and have a drink or two and have an OK conversation or at least meet some crazy who can entertain you for awhile. 

We take the hotel shuttle to the other side of I 25 where downtown is located, our shuttle driver is a vietnam vet named Charlie.  Charlie is in his early 60's still working even after retiring from 23 years in the Air Force.  A thin man with graying hair and a thin mustache, he reminds me of my grandfather. 

My grandfather would drive the 70+ miles to Colorado Springs from Denver, in his black 42' Buick to sell Electrolux vacuum cleaners.  There are some old houses next to the hotel and I can imagine my grandfather knock on the doors showing the women of the house the benefits of the Electrolux's powerful sucking. 

We want to go to the "smallest bar in the world,"  as the brochure calls it, but it is closed at 9PM so is Club Blue right next door.  I ask a few people walking down the street, " Where can a I get a drink?"  they say they don't know, they are Christians.  Finally we find an Irish Pub and walk in.  By now Matt and Mykul are a two sheets to the wind coming up to three and four.  We sit at the bar and the bartender asks what we want.  The bartender is a very skinny tattooed kid with one fucked up eye, its more than a lazy eye, kind of like an eye afraid of seeing the things it has seen and is trying to crawl back inside the kids head.

The bar is having some kind of quiz night, which is appropriate for an Irish pub, but the questions?

"  Who was the Principal in Saved by the Bell?"

" Who was the last runner up in "American Idol?"

Matt protests telling the bartender that this is a bunch of shit.  The bartender's eye crawls further back in the kid's head.  "You can be kicked out"  "No bother, no respectful Irish man would put up with this drivel!"  Matt is swedish, but never mind. 

We leave the bar and walk down a few blocks to a want-to-be dive bar.  The bar is mostly empty and I sit at the counter and Matt buys us two rounds.  The bartender, a non-descript fat twenty something kid with a tattoo of Alan Alda's face on his neck, tells me that where I am sitting, belongs to someone.  I tell him OK I'll move when they get back.  He says it again and I say, "When they get back."  He thinks I am staring him down, but its the tattoo I am staring at wondering what he was thinking, and it kinda freaks me out because it looks like Hawkeye is being born from his neck like some Greek god. The people in the bar are drinking and talking about nothing....I feel like I am in a Charlie Brown episode and stuck with the adults.  Mykul and I are very out going and we try to start up a conversation, but we get nothing out of them,

we can hear the fan of the heater kicking in, our cue to go elsewhere.

We call Charlie and he comes and picks us up,  He likes us and says that there is a descent dive bar near the hotel called, Bennies.    We walk in and there is an open mic going on.  We are all so drunk, because of our disappointment, but I still want to recite some poetry.  I put my name down on the list and wait.  This bar is a descent bar, with twenty -thirty somethings sitting around listening, these are people literally on the otherside of the railroad tracks and we feel home here.  Mykul is sitting on a bench seeing if the can remember one of his poems, he looks at me and says, "its no use, I am too drunk."  Finally its my turn to read.

Here is the Hotel Cavalier with its Orange neon sign sending Morse code to the malnurished, those hungering even for the imitation of love.........

The crowd is expecting some kind of hip hop or slam shit....

......she walks past me, caresses my cheek with prosthetic hook.  Love is more or less abstract......

I am looking for the words inside my swimming head, picking them out, only missing a few that rush by on too much whiskey.  At the same time I look over at Matt and his is crying in his hat.   I think to myself,  " This is a good poem, but not that good."   The crowd is polite and I finish and walk over to Matt.  The bartender is concerned,  "Are you OK kid?"  " My grandma just died."  We sat there with our arm around him as he told us of her hard life and how he loved her.  We did some shots in her memory even poured some on the ground for her to drink... and then stumbled the few blocks to the hotel.

We stop at the 7-11 to get some Gatoraide.  The girl working the late shift is pretty, well she's pretty fat and not very attractive.  I think of Valentine's day and wonder if she has a Valentine.  I buy some flowers and as we are leaving I give them to her.  " Will you be my Valentine."  she smiles and tells me that I made her night.  Her smile is very warm, I wink at her and leave.

We get back to the room and Matt is a mess, we do what we can to comfort him.  Finally he passes out on the floor.  I sit in the bed and start remembering the deaths in my family.  I think how lucky I have been to be able to know them, that they shared part of their lives with me.  Toast them and pour some whiskey on the carpet.

Coming back to SLC, I tell the city that I hate, that I don't hate her so much, that I need to leave, but its me.... not her.  She laughs a little laugh from the sewer grate that I am passing.  We agree to appreciate eachother more and to stay friends.

Down Time: Writing Poems

Cathedral of The Madeline

Salt Lake City

,

UT

  December, 2006

Empty church-

Except for a

Homeless man

Slouched, passed out

In a pew.

I stare at the crucifix-

Jesus too, slouching on his

Cross from the weight

Of so many prayers.

Jesus with all his

Baggage

Leaving

On a trip.

Maybe

To some deserted island

Without telephones,

Or some quiet corner

Of

Mount

Olympus

Where retired Zeus

Sleeps his days away

Under the swaying

Boughs of a cypress tree.

Understanding,

I walk to the mural

Of Our Lady of Guadalupe

Kneel before her

And pray

Pray the wounded prayer

Of an unbeliever.

The church is silent

Except for the muted

Tapping of tears falling

On the blue thread bare

Velvet of the altar.

I look down expecting

To see roses

But only small deficient

Circles looking like little

Broken hearts.

Adam and Eve and The Apple

Adam is walking the garden

While Eve is admiring the

Tree Of the Knowledge

Of Good and Evil

She bends over naked

to pick up the fruit

Fallen to the ground.

Adam notices the round

Apple of her ass.  Is

Filled with a heat

He has not yet named.

At that moment, he names

The fig.  He walks up to her and

Puts his finger inside

Her.  She moans but

There is no word for

Moan yet.  Eve takes

The fruit and puts it

To her mouth

The wet red juice of the fruit

Covers her lips, it is sweet

And hot and makes her

Lips swell.  At that moment

Adam  creates the word, Desire.

And partakes. 

He enters her and Eve

Is open.  They move

Like the waters of

Eden

Surge, a word Adam has

Created.  “I surge with you.”

Eve moans.

And the voice of the lord

Is walking in the garden

And Adam and Eve

Hide.

Hide behind a hedge

Of Roses

The voice of God calls

Out and Adam sitting

Behind a Rose bush

Of thorns and buds

Thinks up a new word

And says to Eve,

“We’re caught.”

The End of Days

Jesus, Mohammed and Juno

Are sitting in a diner when —

(No, these are not

The first lines

Of joke.)

One more time…………….

Jesus, Mohammed and Juno

Are sitting in a dark

Smokey diner on

Hollywood

And Vine before

All the non- smoking

Laws were passed.

Juno is chain smoking

To stay awake.  He

Can’t remember what

They are talking about,

The waters of Lethe

Still ringing in his ears.

“Stay with me, Juno,”

says Mohammed  “Yea” says

Jesus.   

“What are we going to do

about this?”  Juno has

fallen asleep in his

Soup De Jour.  “ Jesus

Christ! Juno, no wonder

The Greek gods were

Sent to pasture.  Sorry

Jesus no offense.”  “None

Taken.”

The tired waitress refills

Their coffee and they

Bless the Aztec gods.

Juno fumbles to light

Another cigarette as

they plan the coming

All Out Clearance Sale of Planet Earth

“ Everything Must Go”

They pour over maps

Spread out over the starry sky

Of a Formica table

Making lists

Like Nazi’s in

Pre War

Germany

.

A Traveling Salesman That Hates Black Soft Top Jeep Wranglers

I hate all black soft

Top jeep wranglers. 

Whether I am in

North Carolina

Florida

California

Texas

Georgia

Or

North Carolina

again.

Or

Washington

,

Idaho

Montana

West Virginia

And

Tennessee

I hate all black

Jeep Wranglers

Equally.  Even

The one’s on TV

Or a brief drive

By in a movie.   

Standing on

A dirt frontage

Road a thousand

Miles away,

Minding my own

Business – filled

With thoughts of

The day

A black soft top

Jeep wrangler drives

By and in an instant

I am with you

Driving down I 15

On our way to Maui

On our way to the end.

February 27, 2007

Augusta, Georgia

Leaving was an ordeal.  Since I ride a motorcycle I ride the bus during the winter.  It is Presidents day and I forgot, so the buses are not running like they are supposed to be.  The weatherman says that it is 36 degrees and I look out the window and it has stopped snowing, so I decide to walk the 14 Salt Lake blocks to the stop that leads to the airport.  It's 5:30AM.

The first 10 minutes of the walk are OK and then everything changes, like being in love with a younger woman.  The temperature drops 10 degrees and it starts snow, really snowing.  The snow is wet and my shoes are sloshing with freezing water.  I am wearing a green 50's style jacket and I look like a sugar coated green bean. 

I cut across a large parking lot to make it to the bus stop on time.  The wind has picked up and I feel like Amundsen crossing the Antarctic.  The bus is not coming for another hour and I will miss the flight.  I call for a ride.  I wait an hour in the cold walking to keep warm.  On the plane my feet and hands are tingling with sharp pins till they warm up.

Augusta, the de -facto home of James Brown.  We are staying at a hotel three blocks from where he shined shoes when he was 5 years old and a few blocks from a statue of him that was by buried four feet of flowers, pictures and letters when he died.  The convention center in town was where his funeral was held. 

The seminar is the worst we have ever done, not one person bought anything.  But the city is calling us.  On the corner of Eighth and McComrick is a sad blue horse standing on a balcony.  Srange but true.  I am talking to the hotel manager and she tells me about the Spirit Ple dust down the street.  This is a pole that slaves where chained to when they were being auctioned off.  She tells me how people( read White) have tried to tear it down.  One man chained the pole to his truck and as he tried to pull it down had a heart attack and died on the spot.  "I don't believe in evil spirits" she says.  I look at her and say, "Who said they are evil, I think they are the guardian spirits of memory."  She looks at me with a barely hidden disdain.

The team is down, I don't really care, the only thing I want to do is explore Augusta.  We finally leave at about 8:30PM.

We walk down eighth street and pass a few strip clubs, I am not  in the mood and suggest that we look for a good local bar.  We ask a guy on the street and he tells us about a local basement bar that white guys will like.  We walk in and a young guy is playing guitar and singing Jim Croce, " Bad bad Leroy brown."  There is a table of very gay men giving a birthday bash for their straight girlfriend.  The bar is mostly empty, otherwise but the beer is cheap.  We stay awhile.  The highlight of the bar is the men's restroom.  It hasn't been updated for 50 years and it feels like a time machine. I think of all the men taking a leak after too much beer, and all the things they were running from by drinking, the broken dreams, the lost loves or even the celebrations of birthdays, births and marriages.

We walk back towards the hotel and we want something different.  Matt says we should at least check out a strip club.  We decide to stop at the Discotheque Lounge. Under the 60's something neon sign it says "girls girls girls."  We walk in and pay the cover.  The club is mostly empty and very attractive early twenties girl comes and talks to us.  She is tiny and though not my type beautiful.  I don't like strip clubs for the most part, all the women ridden hard and put away wet, sad and dark, and something I have a moral conundrum with, but the women here don't have the same feeling, their faces are open and look healthy.  Matt and I talk to Bunny. Bunny is very sexy but not very bright.  We talk about her job and are maybe too inquisitive about it, but she wants $20 for a table dance and will put up with us for the few extra dollars.  Its a financial mis-step on her part but she opens up to Matt and they talk as a new girl starts dancing on stage.  She is physically perfect

Black hair, blue-green eyes, long waist and long legs.  I sit at the stage and put a few dollars up.  I am reading Chris Abani's The Flaming Virgin and in one scene he describes the smell of strippers, like they all buy the same lotion from Victoria Secret.  She is dancing in front of me and tells me to stand.  She takes off my hat and glasses and puts my face between her breasts.  The smell...intoxicating and expected.  She looks at me as she walks off stage and smiles.

The next girl comes to dance and she too is physically perfect, more curvy than the last girl.  This girl's face is not as open as the last, she is more reserved, less comfortable.  I am a man of contradictions.  I watch her, there are tears in my eyes, I am not sure why I am crying.  She probably thinks that I am some freak.  Maybe I am.  I want to posses her sexually, want to save her, want her to save me from.... I don't know what.     She finishes dancing and disappears.  I don't blame her.

My first stripper comes out, we talk.  She tells me 20 for a table dance.  We walk over to the table and I give her 20, tell her she doesn't have to dance.  She says that she has to, "house rules:".  She dances for me and I get lost in the curve of her right side, the changing movement of back.

She finishes and sits next to me and we talk.  I tell her that I am a poet and she tells me that she loves E.A. Poe, especially "The Tell Tale Heart"  We talk about her mother, the club, her boyfriend.  She asks me to recite a poem to her.   The club is loud so I put my mouth to her ear.  I can feel my lips against her ear, the heat of my breath.  I recite, The Hotel Cavalier and The Green Chair  I look at her when I am finished and there are tears in her eyes. 

We talk about her job and her boyfriend, how he read her diary and confessed but realized how much she loved him.    I told her its hard for a man to love a woman who is a stripper and it has nothing to do with her.  She understands, tells me how her man brushes the hair away from her face every morning and kisses her goodbye on his way to work.   "I usually pretend I am asleep and rarely say anything but I love it."  I tell her to tell him,  I  tell her how I have done that, no matter where the relationship was, and how I would have loved to have been more appreciated.    She tells me I am right.  I tell her to go home tonight and hold him, feel his breath, the rise and fall of his chest, the warmth of his body, smell him and feel nothing but gratitude, then tell him how grateful you are that he is in your life and you appreciate how he loves you."  She is smiling and crying and tells me she will."   We talk about other things and say goodbye.  She gives me gentle kiss on the check and tells me thank you. 

Matt and I walk out into the night.  It has cooled down.  We walk the empty streets not saying much.  Finally we go back to the Hotel and sleep peacefully.

March 05, 2007

Savannah, Georgia

[Intermittent Drizzle]

The streets are wet, which makes them reflect light from street lights, windows and neon signs.  This is an old Southern town of the genteel South, narrow streets and a human scale of architecture.  Every thing is infused with light and has the feeling of somewhere between wet and new.

This is the city of the book and movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.  The famous statue “The Bird Girl” from the book cover and movie poster moved to protect it from a destructive brand of bibliophile. 

Matt and I share a bottle down a narrow alley with painted and fading advertising signs from stores long bankrupt and only remembered in dusty local history books.  The alley is dark but the rain soaked entrance grabs light from the main street and pulls it in as far as it can.  It gives the alley a Raymond Chandler feeling, where PI’s, snitches and women of the night hide themselves in shadows that hide more than their faces.

Matt is young twenty-three,  I take to him like an older brother.  We talk about everything and I respect his experiences, which draws his real self out.  He is a good kid with a big heart, dealing with the devils of addiction, drinking being the least of his evils.

We wander the streets of

Savannah

and save our words.  From the street we look into warm lighted windows, wondering of the lives lived inside. 

Walking we hear the beat of a good R&B band down by the river walk.  We walk down a wide cobblestone road which was once used to bring up merchandise from the river’s edge more than 200 years ago.  We both think we hear the clip clop of horses.

The bar is friendly and in no time people are buying us drinks, “ I’ve never drank with Mormon’s before,” says the guy buying.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that I am not Mormon. It is closing time and the bartenders turn up the house lights and start closing up.  I tell Matt that I want to walk alone down the river walk and I will catch up with him later. 

I walk out of the bar and notice that on top of the bar is a building that is being renovated.  The façade has the appearance of and

Baghdad

remodeling project.  I climb over the broken concrete and navigate the rusted rebar into the main section.  The rest of the building is in tact, with only the structures main walls defining the space.  In a corner is a chair that I grab and sit by the big window that overlooks the river.  I pull out my half pint, light a cigarette and put my feet up on the sill.  I watch a ship coming in from the sea.  Its red bow light slowly sways to the horn being played in the bar below, for the bartenders cleaning up.  I watch the last few people leave the bar, making plans with each other; talking in an economy of words that shared experience creates.

Sitting in a bar sharing drinks, you share a shallow connectedness, and the masks rarely come off.  But with me, my blessing and my curse, more times than not things are barred to me and a person I don’t even know sits naked before me.  Maybe it has something to do with my name.  My mother named be Christopher, the Christ bearer, laid upon my shoulders the weight of the world and Anthony, after Saint Anthony the patron saint of the lost and somehow the lost always find me out, A woman once told me that I had the kindest eyes she had ever seen.  Maybe it is in the eyes, nothing beautiful, rather small and non-descript but a kindness held within them.  How we all long for a pair of kind eyes.  How I long for a pair of kind eyes that see.   When they do bare their souls, their crimes, their pains and fears; most of the time I lift them and console them and by doing so, make the world a little more Just.  But at other times I have to turn away to save something for myself:  my blessing and my curse.   

I sit at the window and watch the lights on the other side of the river, sit in the moment drunk on the half pint and the view.  I light a cigarette and write a poem in my head for me and no one else.

Walking down the river walk I breathe in the river air.  Coming for the arid West, larger rivers are rare and I want to drink this one in and take it back with me.  I see two tug boats tied to the dock and I sneak aboard.  I sit on the stern and imagine the nostalgia of someone else’s life.

On the river walk is a statue of the “Waving Woman”  and her dog.  I hang out with them  wondering who she is.  Her dog seems to like me.

I call my friend Kevilina, the woman who threw a monkey wrench into the machinery of my life a few years ago.  She actually answers…..we talk about me visiting, about the river and the rain.  I duck under an overhang.  When she answers, which is rarely, there is an excitement in our voices like friends who haven’t seen each other in years.  She says she will call right back after she gets another drink…..I know it is a lie, but I accept it.  This is our maddening dance.  After I hang up I write a draft of a poem,

After talking

It started to rain harder.

Leaning over the rail

To see the river closer

I fall in and turn into

A cartoon fish.

I meet a Mermaid

With cigarette burns

All over her body.

I take her into my

Arms and kiss them better.

Reluctantly I make it back to the hotel at 3am.  I need to wake up in 4 hours.  I lie in bed and think of a world without sleep.

March 13, 2007

Macon, Georgia: Begining of the End!!

How much is your integrity worth?  Mine so far, 2,000 dollars.

(This will be developed into a much longer freelance piece)

The Internet marketing seminar world is composed of about 5 main companies.  Each one is the bastard, inbred child of the others.  This is a world of half-truths, lies, manipulation and pressure all in the name of "opportunity" and  "financial freedom"  It is a modern snake oil sales tent with promises of restorative cures, and financial health!

The company I work for is only a little less sleazy than the others, which is the only reason I have stayed as long as I have.  For the most part the products work, but a stone wheel rolls and what good is a stone wheel?

Macon, Georgia is suburban and sprawling across the Georgia landscape like cancer, eating up land and forests with an insatiable appetite.  "There is money to be made here," is what our owner tells us before our first seminar.

The hotel with its dingy stucco arches and furniture stacked outside of the rooms, is a welcome sight after 3 hours driving.  Driving with these men; stunted in their emotional and intellectual development shortly after their missions, is an unmentioned circle in Dante's Inferno.  Constant fart jokes, sexual jokes, and the endless exchange of TV and movie quotes.  With each new movie, a bombardment of one liners.  Borat was an unbearable movie, not because of the movie but the constant, "Do you like me? I like you?"  "Where is the pussy magnet?"

There is something unappealing about each one of them.  One of the men has gained 80 pounds in the past year and is always asking, "Are we going to eat?"  " Can we eat now? " "I need food!"  There is one hungry and angry baby sitting inside his huge belly banging on the walls.   I always sit in the very back of the minivan, surrounded by all the luggage and boxes.  This is my sanctuary, where I have learned how to doze in every imaginable position.

The seminar beings with its usual assortment of participants.  Late middle aged, old desperate people looking for a way to make a few extra dollars to pay for doctor bills or help their children out, a few want to be millionaires.  There are retired train workers, a warehouse man, a teacher, a slaughterhouse worker and nurse. 

The beginning of the seminar starts before the presentation.  We are to mingle with the guests and schmooze them up, find out about why they have come.  In the Missionary Training Center, this was part of the sales process for selling Mormonism Inc., called the Commitment Process  and these fine return missionaries who own the company are well aware of its success.  There are 4x more Mormons since I went out and that's when they started using the Commitment Process.  So we small talk and warm them up.

The seminar starts with the fat guy.  He's warming them up, and asks if anyone has anything to eat?  He goes through the schedule for the day.  He introduces himself and his qualifications, but doesn't tell them that he has been doing seminar sales for 10 years.  Introduces the team, and his introductions are false.   He then introduces the owner and main speaker of the company.  I love this part, because the fat guy hates the owner guy but introduces him as his mentor and brilliant marketer.  What one will do for money. At least my stripper in Augusta was more honest and had more integrity then these upstanding family men.

The main speaker, we will call him Ned, has a degree....in acting.  He is good in front of a crowd.  He starts off saying how great it is to come to work and have everyone clap, how many of them would like that kind of job.  Then the lies begin.  "Companies pay me $10,000 dollars to come a work with them on their Internet marketing"  or " I kept on getting laid off after I set up a companies Internet strategies and then they sold the company."  He never tells them that the last company this happened with......was an Internet market sales seminar company.  He tells them about going to a prestigeous school and Ross Perot speaking, giving him this air or business authority.  I wonder how many would buy from him if they knew his degree was in acting?   I won't go through all of this lies and half truths at this time, that's for a longer freelanced article I am writing, but to say the least, I sat there thinking to myself....I can't do this any more, but damn I need the money.

Martin and TC were very young for our crowd, twenty something.  I like them, they are bright and engaging.  TC is a rapper and very talented and Martin wants to do something that will give him freedom.  We go through the 8 hours of seminar and we talk through most of it.  At the end of the day, they want to buy one of our products.  I at least know this product works.  They don't have the 5,000 dollars but can come up with maybe 500 and make payments.  They want to get the seminar price.  That's part of the spiel, " This price is only good for today!"  The boss man wants me to get them to sign a promissory note.  So I take them to the lobby of the hotel/motel and I break it down for them.

" I like you guys, here it is.  The product is good and there is a potential to make some money with it, but these guys who have been talking to you, are full of fucking shit and 75% of the stuff they told you about themselves and the amount of money you can make is a lie.  I have no respect for them and the last thing I will let you do is sign a promissory note binding you to them.  If you want the product he will sell it to you in a week or a month or a year for the so called "seminar price" 

It felt good.

Martin still calls me and is working to get the capital to pay for the product.  I will make sure that if he buys it he will be protected. 

How much of this can I get away with?

Down Time: Writing Poems

I wait

Like my grandmother

On the steamship

Between

Romania

And

Ellis Island

.

The in-between

Before arriving.

Boredom —

The not knowing for

What one is waiting.

I am waiting.

Smoking and

Drinking away

My days.

Read poems

Write a few.

Like my grandmother

Writing letters to her

Father,

“ There is nothing

But the flat sea, like the

Flat line that leads back

To you.”

At night we walk

The decks together,

Traveling in-between

Departure and destination.

We say very little.  She points

To the night sky, “ Cassiopeia”

We lean on the railing watch

The silver blue wake of the ship.

She’s been dead so long now.

She cups my face in her hands

They are warm and soft,

Like the dream of home.

.

.

.

.

Going down

On you

Speaking in

Syllables

Looking up

At you see you

Smile.  It

Makes me

Concentrate.

My tongue

Soft as feathers,

A paintbrush.

I paint like

Rembrandt.

With so many

Dark hues —

Everything else

Is you.

.

.

.

.


Silence

This poem was first written more than two years ago, here is the first rewrite.  A prophetic poem.

Oh longing for absolution!

I call to her but she doesn’t

Respond. Oh mocking moon turn

Your face from me, keep hidden

The worshiped wound.

Oh suffering of kisses.  I

Call to her but she doesn’t

Respond. Oh evening primrose, still

Your scented lips and do not repeat

my helpless verses.

Oh desperation of clocks.  I

Call to her but she doesn’t

Respond. Oh light hearted Lark banish

Yourself from the sky so that she

Will not know of my sorrows.

Oh extinction of Night.  I call

To her but she doesn’t respond.

Oh unforgiving bed, be still

That I may sleep — and my heart die

To this ever so sad, sad night.

March 15, 2007

Wilmington, NC Part 1

"All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking." Fredrick Nietzsche

This project has opened up my mind to many things.  Traveling is a gift that renews one's own awareness of home and one's interconnectedness to others.  We are all traveling our own roads to get home, whatever that home is.  I like this quote:    " Life is like getting dropped of in the middle of the woods, and then year by year, gradually walking home."      April Fools.   In a way we are all like Odysseus, from the Odyssey by Homer, tired and weary and just trying to get home.

Walking has become my meditation, sober or drunk, I walk.  At times I feel like the shark that must move to keep the water flowing over its gills or it will drown.  I keep moving.  Flying so much with this job has made me think constantly about moving, propulsion, the moving away from something towards something else.  My commute to work some days was 2000 miles, and a metaphor of what I needed, needed to be as far away as possible.  I wish I could have sold Internet marketing in Uzbekistan.

Walking to Wilmington

Walking to Wilmington would be my last long walk on the road.  I knew eventually this would happen.   The ethical issues were starting to become louder in my head and would steal my sleep.  It became easier to lie and it made me nauseous. 

The seminar was over and the rest of the team had decided to go see Reno 911.  I wasn't looking forward to the trip to Greenville, 3 hours of one liners from the movie.  Matt said he wanted to go downtown, so I waited for a few hours and then the hotel room started to get smaller and smaller.  By the time the TV was next to my chest and the Air Conditioner shoved up against my ear, I decided to get out. I was going to walk downtown.

I asked the front desk lady, how far it was to downtown. " Oh no Honey, you ain't walking downtown, it's 7 miles."  I tried to explain to her that this is what I do. " Is it dangerous," I ask her. "No Honey, it's just FAR!"  I thanked her for the directions and as I leave she tells me I am crazy.  She doesn't understand, that if I stay still too long, Madness may be knocking at my door, so I move and when it comes I will be two miles ahead of it.  Madness can knock on the door, pick the lock, climb in through the window, and the only thing Madness will find is a still warm bed.

I start walking about 11pm and it is warm.  I sneak a drink from my pint of Vodka, it too is warm as it goes down.  This part of Wilmington is the usual pattern of suburban expansion - strip-mall after strip mall.  I walk and drink checking out chain stores that don't exist on the West coast. Girls drive by hooting at me, "Hey baby!" says an attractive black girl in her twenties, and they drive off giggling.  I don't think they see very many pedestrians, unless they are homeless or down and out.  In modern America, walking if for the lower classes.   The farther I walk, the more sparing the strip malls, and everything starts to give way to offices and then homes.  I come across a railroad track and write this in my head for Tara my ex-wife, and still my best friend.  For years we lived close to railroad tracks.

Rails across a road / 2000 miles from...../ I touch the steel / my mind travels in an instant / to the rails / that would sing to us / every night as we/ made love/ fought / cooked dinner/ slept to the low / moan of a sad train / trying just to get home.

These rails traveled all across America, this very rail was connected to home, like arteries to a heart.

The houses in Wilmington are old and they have preserved them.  Big porches are everywhere.  Porches the first thing the Television destroyed.  I close my eyes and imagine families sitting on them, drinking tea and  children playing in the yard.  Spring is on the way and soon all these porches will come alive with stories, and laughter, and people spending time next to each other silently, the quality of the silence telling everyone of the quality of their love.

Walking, I look at everything, notice everything.  Walking you see things and smell things that go unnoticed when driving.  Their is a note left on the door of a store, I write it down in my notebook          " I am sorry baby, I don't deserve you, I cried last night, can you believe it....can we talk."      signed by some guy named Lance.  I was watching  Jarhead  the other night; here are all these killing machines ready to fight and their Achilles heel, the woman they love.  Think of the Blues, listen to the words, big men, broken down and blue because of a woman they loved.  Here was Lance, all the big bad talk, maybe he even calls women "bitches" but this one got to him.   

I look for objects, found object, the trash of daily life.  I notice things in the streets and pick some of them up.  A super ball, one earing, a ticket to a concert, a shopping list, a playing card.   Each one of these could be the starting point of a story.  In Salt Lake, the streets are so clean, they seem silent, absent of stories.

to be continued

March 18, 2007

Wilmington NC Part 2

A Fountain in the Middle of the Road.

I can see in front of me a fountain, the large scalloped bowl is held up on the backs of 8 Swans.  The mouth of the fountain is a bouquet of Lillies.  I grab a few pennies from my pocket and make two wishes.  When they come true, I will need to make a pilgrimage back here. 

I head for the river and every building has a historical marker.  I read about the first synagogue built in 1875, imagine the Jews praying wearing their Kippah's, and their prayers rising like the smoke from smoke offerings.  Next door is the first Catholic church and a garden.  I unlock the gate and walk in and see a statue of Saint Francis with carefully placed flower petals in his hands.  I sit down on a bench donated in the memory of Gail Bronson.  I sit and imagine up a life for Gail Bronson and thank her memory for a place to sit.  Under some flowering bushes I can make out the faint mewing of a cat.  She comes out and rubs against my leg, hops on to my lap and purrs.  The Cat, Saint Francis, The memory of Gail Bronson and I hang out for awhile staring the waxing moon.

Walk, I need to walk.  I say my goodbyes and walk towards the river.  I pass the Slice of Life Pizzeria where we hung out last night for a couple of hours talking to Paige, a tallish, attractive and nerdy college student who was tending bar.  I look in to see if she is there but no.  Instead a homeless guy is being thrown out.  He asks for a handout, telling me how a guy in their had stolen five dollars from him.  I tell him I have nothing but a little vodka.  "That will do."  We walk to the river and share a drink.

David is late 40's looks 60.  Blond hair going grey and missing four front teeth.  We talk to a couple other homeless guys, Clark  has hair like a 50's movie star.  They tell me their troubles, the blues of addiction, women, and bad luck, not to mention mental illness.  Clark pulls out a bottle of Colt 45 and insists I take the first drink.  We talk a little while longer and Clark and the other guy (he wouldn't tell me his name), decide to go look for some food.  David finishes off the Colt 45 as I finish off my vodka.  We stand looking out at Cape Fear and the battleship U.S.S. North Carolina shrouded in shadows. 

David tells me about the woman who kicked him out.  "We met drinking on a warm day, she was beautiful and we really hit it off, we got married that day."  He shuffles his feet and leans more intently on the railing.  "I had to leave right after to go to court and they ended up putting me in jail, when I got out two days later, there she was waiting for me."  He looked me straight in the face and said, " That's when I found out she was a man."  David starts to laugh a loud hoarse throaty laugh.   "Didn't that upset you," I ask him.   "A little at first, but I like men too, so it worked out for a few months."  He went on telling me how he loved her but she was crazy and tried to kill him a few times.  I had to sit there for a moment, this was real life, not some story line from an HBO show.  The old cliche reality is stranger than fiction.  David says, "Fighting's OK, but trying to kill me? that's where I draw the line."  He gets quiet.  Looks off at the dark side of the river, stays there for awhile, so I decide to leave him alone there on the other side.

I say good byes to David and look for Paige again, but she isn't there.  I walk back the 7 miles talking to Mykul.  By the time I get back to the hotel, the time has flown by and I am sober.  Tomorrow another day of bullshitting people but no more lies.  I am not looking forward to the morning.

Rough Draft Poem

Slice of life pizza

parlor.  I find a "Go Navy"

in the gutter to write with.

Where is Paige?

I need to write something down.

Angry homeless man

asks for money but

will take a plug instead.

Bisexual homeless man

wants to cuddle.

NO, sorry.

Two more homeless men

one with movie star hair -

We talk the Blues -

Watch the river like

"The Featured Presentation"

Film river - Opera water.

The river, the river

rolling. The river rolling.

rolling.  Rolling the river.

10 miles of walking to here -

Drunk 10 miles.

In the garden of Saint Francis,

flower petals in one hand.

A black cat with one white paw.

I pet her and she purrs

to the waxing moon.

March 19, 2007

NEW!!! THE LAST SEMINAR

The Bar Scene

After the drive I need a drink.  We find a bar in  downtown Greenville, it is the busiest bar we have seen yet.  Matt and his brother start their fishing.  They catch two sisters with lines from Borat.  What the hell am I doing here?  I drink and drink, but it doesn't work like it used to, no escape, no lightness, just a heaviness of trying to constantly be some place else. 

I act, put on a mask of interest.  Small talk and bullshit.  Every 30min or so, I walk out into the fresh air and walk the small downtown.  How did I end up here?  Strange thing, I hate it and love it.  My life is moving with an intensity and propulsion I haven't  known in  a long time.  I am on a path of becoming, becoming something more, breaking the shackles of stagnation, being forced to live, to really live. 

Maggie is sitting on a barstool, leaning against a wall.  We talk, she is more interesting than the rest of the drunk, self-hating, sad drunks.  She has amazing eyes, clear, sharp and open.  She finds out that I am a poet and asks me to recite something to her.  I finish and she stares at me.  says, " I really felt something, and I don't ever feel anything"    She makes me uncomfortable, the way she stares at me like she wants to devour me....not in a sexual way, I could appreciate that, but more in I will possess you sort of way.   This is the last thing I want.   Matt and his brother have closed the deal on two sisters, like an episode from the REAL WORLD.  I am glad we are leaving.

We stop at their house, they are flirting with eachother, while I talk to the cat.  The cat is articulate, we talk.  She is the best conversationalist I've met.  We talk of all manner of things.  Finally we leave to the hotel with the sisters in tow.  They are attractive, but too drunk to be interesting.  I have little respect for someone who can't hold their liquor.  I have never done anything intoxicated that I wouldn't do sober.  Don't get me wrong, I have said things I shouldn't have, made a fight last longer than it should, but I have never done anything I wouldn't have done sober.  I wonder what these girls will think in the morning?  Maybe nothing being a part of the Narcissistic Generation, where the world revolves around them and everyone else are just players on their stage. 

Finally we are back at the hotel, I say goodnight and can't wait to go to sleep and dream I am a man dreaming, I am a butterfly, dreaming that I am a man.

BASTA!

This was the call of the Cuban revolutionaries, Basta; Enough.  I am sitting in the Seminar and I have to leave, I can't sit there and listen to the lies.  The speaker is desperate to make a sale and he is pulling shit out of his ass.  I am talking to this guy, and telling him some bullshit story about myself.  I am sick to my stomach.  " Thou shalt not bear false witness!"   I am screaming at myself in my head, "You fucking liar"  but I haven't said anything because I need this job. I don't think I can do it one more day. 

I make myself scarce, walk around the hotel, avoid the conference room.  Don, asks me what I am doing, leaving the new guy alone.  I tell him that he's smart he can handle it.  We get into a fight about the whole thing.  I want to punch him, but just lean against the wall and take a drag of my cigarette.  I am sure he feels my disdain.

What does a man have if he doesn't have his integrity?  Pascal has said that life is not about getting the things we want, but about moments when we choose what is important to us, and that people matter, that the choices we make matter.  At the end of our lives we are the choices we have made.   

I am not what they are, I am different.  It's time for me to stop this.  Mykul once said that you can tell the character of a man but whom he associates with.  I believe that, and cannot associate with these small men; I am smaller because of it. 

This ethical dilema has made me think of who I am. Camus has said that in a world of injustice, the only response is to be just.  I chose to be just.    I am a good man.  This is the one thing that keeps me going in a world of compromise and self absorption.  I am a good man.   I can say this with confidence and grace.  Don't get me wrong, I am no saint, I can be a weak man, a fragile man, an asshole and self absorbed man and it has taken me a long time to admit this and embrace it.  In the end, my motivations have been just and true.  Of course, I could have done things differently in my life at times, but I have no regrets.  It is a great gift to be able to say that, and it comes from knowing myself and a willingness to go all out, risk everything for what you believe in.

I am no longer embarrassed by my weakness or my wounds, they are part of who I am.  I am the light and the shadow.  I will stand up for what I value, becuase  I would rather be homeless like David in Wilmington, than wealthy and false.  Authenticity and the search for authenticity is the only way I can live.

We leave the hotel at 5am, get back into SLC at 830pm.  This trip we have circled the US.  We flew South - down to Phoenix then across to get to NC.  On the way back we fly over the Great Lakes.  An appropriate flight path for my last seminar.  Leaning against the bulkhead.....half asleep - I look out the window at America unfolding before me..... So many lives, so many dreams, and I swear I can hear children singing.    I fly above them catching all their prayers as I pass over and hold them for a brief moment and then let them go.   

Beautiful!

This has been quite an adventure.

March 24, 2007

NEW!!! EPILOGUE: The End

The End.....

I walk out of the Salt Lake City Library, after finishing the last post.  I decide to not go back on the road, to take a stand.  I am walking away from the library and get a call.  It's the owner of the company and he tells me the sales are too low and we wont be going out for awhile.  It's what I want...but I am frustrated... because I want to take a stand....I hang up and laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

I cross the street and walk next to a woman in an electric wheel chair.  She has a black lab trotting next to her. I say to her, " That is a sweet dog."  I notice the electric power display in the arm of her chair, the red light moving back and forth.  "This is Blanche, she's a good dog, they gave her to me after I was brutally raped and tortured."  The woman starts crying.  I touch her shoulder and squeeze.  We walk a block, say nothing.  We get to the corner and I say, " You know there are angels among us and they sometimes look like black labs....she cry/laughs... tells me in a whisper, "Blanche has wings."  She thanks me for being kind.  I walk away grateful that I could give a little comfort.  I realized that one does not have to go farther than the corner to experience living...to be alive.

In the end I have learned an important lesson from this project    -  that we are all travelers, whether we fly 3000 miles for a job or a block from the library.  We are all traveling somewhere. 

God speed that you make it where you are going.

Christopher Leibow

March 31, 2007

New!!!! POSTSCRIPT: WENDOVER NV

"In  Wendover, everyone gets lucky!"

I thought it was all over, and it pretty much is as a traveling salesman, but I have one last entry because I had one last gig and that was to sell Wendover.  I have been signed on to be a part of the Wendover Ad Campaign. 

Wendover, a post apocalyptic town, a town where Mad Max would probably retire.  Appropriate. (This is where the Enola Gay and the first A-Bomb was loaded to turn Hiroshima into a radioactive wasteland.) This is a town that exists only for the gentiles of Utah, or the Jack Mormon's who need a little extra risk in their lives, since everything else has been figured out.

We drive up to the Montego Bay Casino, the "g" and "b" of the sign are out.  "The Monteo ay Casino"   Someone say's, "When it gets busier, the letters light up, because they can't afford the electricity until people start losing."   We kinda believe him when we get in because it's pretty empty, but then its only 7pm on a Monday.

We check in.  The rooms are nice and big, bigger than my apartment.  There is a beautiful paper mache palm tree sort of thing in the corner and a view of the Wendover water tank.  I already feel lucky.

Down on the casino floor, I wander looking for everyone else, we are supposed to meet at the bar.  I get a drink and meander.  At a row of video poker tables, there are two old women, thin as a bony finger and wearing similar outfits, they look like they could be sisters,  but I am not sure because the sit as far aways from each other as possible and never look at each other, even when one of them wins.  One of the sisters is not having such great luck, her brownish red wig keeps sliding and she adjusts like a hat, mumbling something.  The other sister has just hit a big win.  She tries to celebrate, but the arthritis makes it hard to dance.  The one sister seeing that her sister has won again, gets frustrated and starts banging on the video screen.

In the modern casino, there are no more messy coins, just the recorded sound of coins falling into the metal catch.  I have always found this disturbing.  But the most disturbing thing is the gambling card.  On the card; a sort of gift card,  win or lose the computer tells the card if you are lucky or not.  The casino gives you a yellow stretch cord that you can pin to your shirt so you don't lose it.  Old people use them mostly.  The sight of an old man sitting at a slot machine, the yellow stretch cord going from him to the machine, brings to mind a umbilical cord.  I imagined that in each machine is a little henchman of old Beelzebub, and with each pull of the lever ( or push of the button that says "spin") a small little part of their soul goes through that cord into the coffers of hell.  Many times when you ask someone, how they did gambling, they say in geest, "lighter".  Little do they realize that they are and it is not their bank account!

The cast a crew finally gather and have a few drinks.  An interesting cast of mostly amateur actors.  Most of the crew go to bed early, but a few of us decide to go to the Nugget next door.  The drinks are cheap in Wendover, so that has made us a little more drunk than usual.  The Nugget is dead, there is almost no one in it and the very low ceilings make it feel basement like.  We go back to the Monte Ay and everyone goes to bed except Liza and Adam, they go back to the bar.  I can't go back in yet and need to walk.  It's now in my blood.

I walk to two other casinos.  The Peppermill and the Rainbow.  Nothing to say about the Peppermill, except the crowd was even older than the Monteo Ay.  I walk the rest of the way to the Rainbow.  I go up to the bar and order a double whiskey and coke and wander the floor.  This is a younger crowd, a few tattooed and pierced but the number of them is too low and they are diluted by the number of pissed off old men sitting in a group complaining about everything.

Walking back to the hotel, I walk on the south side of the street.  There is nothing, no development, just a clear view of the desert.  A warm wind has picked up, moon washes an abandoned train car.  I stand and stare out at the desert, take it in... let the wind sway me till I fall asleep standing up.  I dream of airports, of driving, of hotel and motel rooms, of strip clubs and bars, of the beach, of meeting new people, of mexico.

In the end, the project of the Traveling Salesmen might have come to a conclusion.  But there is something about it that has changed me.  I will never be able to travel like I did before.

Christopher